This is my 301st journal entry that I made that on my King Jim Pomera DM250. This one felt very real so I'm deciding to put it on my website. I want to use this website more.. having some serious entries and others that are for things like this. Ultimately I want to fill this website up with things, regardless of what it is.

KJ:0301 2025/10/04 23:09

The faint passing of time goes unnoticed until you see something that reminds you of it. If there was something I could tell my younger self is that years will literally go by in a flash. I saw a picture of my mom today. I had an image in my head of what I thought she looked like; one from years ago. I saw her and I realized how much time had really passed. I proceeded to do the typical thing and go down a sort of nostalgia binge.

This is an emotional entry.. because the people I remember most fondly are gone. You don't think about it.. but one day a long time ago I was sitting in an oddly shaped room with a loft bed writing poorly written lyrics with my friend Rin. One day I was surprising the girl I thought I was going to marry with her 21st birthday cake. One day I was meeting her for the first time and holding her at night in the ocean. One day I was 7 years old and my dad was taking me to chuck e cheese for the third time in a row.

These thoughts are so charged... they feel so charged with feelings and some of it is regret.. some is joy and yearning.. but it all feels the same. It's what makes me cry and keeps me up at night. I can say that I will become aware of time passing, but I know I will wake up in 10 years.. go throughout my day.. and find myself in tears again.. thinking the same thing on a different couch. It feels almost impossible to not feel nihilistic when writing this. I guess this is why my Buddhist practice teaches me to be present. It could be the solution... or there could just not be one. In the end.. there seems to be some mental dissonance in me and I can't put my finger on it. I haven't even been able to make any sort of connection with anyone. My heart is bursting to open up to someone but I can't seem to open it for anyone.